Don't Worry, Be Happy

This is a more serious post and something that I've just been feeling like I need to get out or share. Whether it be for me personally or for someone out there that reads this, I don't know but I hope it does some good somewhere :)

Postpartum Depression. It's real and it can happen to anyone.
I didn't think it COULD happen to me. It did and it made me realize and understand a lot of things.

While I was pregnant with Booker I read my baby book and did research online about pregnancy, labor, birth, and taking care of a baby. I ran across postpartum depression quite a bit. I read about it and understood it but never thought I'd have to worry about it affecting me. I figured "I'm a strong person and having the baby won't make me act like that because I'm going to be so happy. Sure I'll be tired and  most likely stressed but that doesn't mean I'll have depression." Sort of naive I guess.

After Booker was born I started having symptoms of the Baby Blues. Many women experience some symptoms of the Baby Blues and it is more common than not.

Baby Blues symptoms:
Signs and symptoms of the baby blues- which last only a few days to a week or two- may include:

• Mood swings
• Anxiety
• Sadness
• Irritability
• Crying
• Decreased concentration
• Trouble sleeping

At first I would all of a sudden be sad or start crying and I didn't really know why. I had small mood swings but nothing too dramatic or even noticeable. I just thought it was from being tired. I started having anxiety that whenever Booker was not by me or when I couldn't see him, he was going to die somehow. I would go check to make sure he was breathing while he was sleeping more often than just let him sleep. I'm sure many new moms do this but I was getting too worked up about it. I started dreaming that I was waking up and the baby was being smothered in our bed because we forgot he was there, when really  he was in his own room in his crib with my mom sleeping on the floor. This happened quite a few times and I woke up crying, telling Troy we were suffocating the baby. Sometimes it felt very real and it took a bit to realize I had been dreaming.
While these symptoms were occurring my mom was staying with us, helping with the baby and letting me heal from my c-section. I told her and Troy what I was feeling and we knew it was the baby blues and just had to wait for it to end. We weren't worried. It was normal and it was fine to feel like that. Overall I was mostly always happy and excited and LOVED my new baby. I was tired and sick of not being able to get up and do everything I wanted because of my surgery but we were transitioning and getting used to this new little person.

Toward the end of my mom's stay with us I started waking up in the mornings thinking "I don't want Booker today. I wish I didn't have to take care of him today." I told Troy this usually every time I thought it and he would take the baby more until that mood wore off.
It was so nice to have my mom there to help! I am so extremely grateful!!! Thank you Mommy!

Postpartum Depression symptoms:
Postpartum depression may appear to be the baby blues at first- but the signs and symptoms are more intense and longer lasting, eventually interfering with your ability to care for your baby and handle other daily tasks. Untreated, postpartum depression may last for many months or longer. Postpartum depression symptoms may include:

• Loss of appetite
• Insomnia
• Intense irritability and anger
• Overwhelming fatigue
• Loss of interest in sex
• Lack of joy in life
• Feelings of shame, guilt, or inadequacy
• Severe mood swings
• Difficulty bonding with your baby
• Withdrawal from family and friends
• Thoughts of harming yourself or your baby

After my mom left I was doing great! I was excited! A little nervous to be home with the baby by myself but just because it was something new. I was excited to be our little family and start being a stay home mom and begin this new chapter in my life. Booker and I got along really well for a month or so. Around two and a half months I started having Baby Blues symptoms again. They stuck around and got worse and worse until I realized I might have Postpartum Depression.
I had a loss of appetite, overwhelming fatigue, and mood swings where it took me more than half of the day to become happy or just feel good. I thought "Ok these are postpartum depression symptoms but they aren't bad ones and I'm tired and want to lose baby weight so they make sense." Right? Makes sense.
But then my mood swings starting turning into irritability and anger towards myself and my body, Troy for being at work all the time, and sometimes Booker because I wanted to have "me" time. I started feeling inadequate as a mother, a wife, and a woman. I had horrible self esteem and a horrible self image. I would cry every time I had to get dressed because I felt fat and ugly in everything I had. Past things I felt ashamed for or guilty of kept entering my mind and becoming feelings that I couldn't stop dwelling on. Because of these things it started being hard for me to be happy or enjoy life in general. I had to work really hard to be happy. I started wanting to talk to only my mom other than Troy. No one else. I started closing up.
I have NEVER, EVER once thought about hurting Booker and I have never thought about hurting myself but the thought like "No one would care if I wasn't here" or "It wouldn't matter if I died" have crossed my mind. Usually they come when it's been a really long, hard day and Troy's been working so  I've been alone.

I never went to the doctor. I never received medication or treatment for this. I think the only people who knew about these things were Troy and my mom, and they may not even know the extent of it. I don't think I regret not going but I know if I had gone I wouldn't have had to deal with these symptoms and feelings by myself for as long.

Looking back on moments when I was experiencing the symptoms the hardest, like when I was dwelling on the past or when I was thinking no one would care, I have realized a few things....

1. Our bodies are very intricate and complicated. I know so little about my own body and how it works and functions. They can do some crazy things, but our bodies are mortal and these things are what make us human. It gives us experiences throughout life for us to learn from and grow. Because our bodies are so amazing this only proves and solidifies my testimony that Heavenly Father is real and that He created us. How could something so amazing have just evolved or formed from nothing?
2. A HUGE one: Satan will do everything in his power to destroy and diminish what is good, happy, and righteous. I know that many of the depressed and dark thoughts I had were from his influence and doing. He knows my family and I are important and he was trying to convince me of things which are not true. Satan will do anything to pull you away from Heavenly Father's light and love, in my case he played off of my hormones and depression.
3. In the darkest, hardest moments, when I felt like this depression was becoming too much and I might really need help, Heavenly Father sent me peace or patience or even an extra long nap for Booker :) and I made it through that day and a few of the following days without symptoms or feelings. He knows us and loves us individually and will not let us suffer past the point of which we can handle. I know I didn't always ask for his help but whether I did or didn't, He gave it unceasingly.

I have been really good lately and I have reached a point where I don't think I have postpartum depression anymore. I can still get irritable or moody but now instead of it being from depression it's from being tired or bored. I have found some things which have helped me keep the depression away...

• Reading
• Pinterest
• Actually making things I've pinned from Pinterest
• Taking pictures of Booker (we seriously have close to 2,000 pics of the kid and he's only 6 1/2 months old!!!)
• Getting ready- make up, real clothes
• Taking walks- either around the neighborhood or through Hobby Lobby (Love that place!)  :)
• Blogging
• Singing, dancing, and being plain goofing with Booker
• Being involved in my church calling and Visiting Teaching- I have met a lot of wonderful women and made lots of new friends
• Reading the Ensign and Scriptures more often

Staying busy but in fun ways. That is what I have found helps me. I admit most of the time these fun things take up more time than they should and distract me from doing things I should be doing like dishes or laundry, but it's a work in progress. 

I am so, so, so grateful to my amazing hubby who works so hard for us and when he comes home will do laundry or wash bottles. He is so understanding and patient with me. I love him more and more every day. Without him my life would be nothing. 

I hope this makes some sort of sense and may help someone out there. I did not post this for people to feel sorry for me or to worry about me. I do not want that. I wrote this because I want people to be aware I think, and because I believe sharing experiences help us learn, grow, and gain testimonies. I know I have gained a stronger testimony and a greater love for my Heavenly Father and my brother Jesus Christ because of this experience and also from just putting this into words. I love them with all of my heart. I love my husband. I love my baby. I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true. 

If you made it this far, thanks for reading :) 

Love you!

P.S. The info I got on Baby Blues and Postpartum Depression is from here: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/postpartum-depression/DS00546

Thanks!